Checking in with Nana

Well, it was a year ago today, that my Nana died in a hospital room surrounded by her children and her grandchildren. Two weeks later I began this blog, to hold myself accountable to her. So let's check in...

• Last Year: I live at home with my parents, while working full time and attending law school at night. I pay rent of sorts, and keep to myself and try to not to be a burden to my family.
• This Year: I live a home. I now have two jobs, and work about 70 hours a week while taking an overload semester. Dad has lifted my rent requirement as long as I'm working both jobs. I still keep to myself, and try not to be a burden...

• Last Year: I have recently paid off all of my credit card debt. I am saving for summer tuition and a security deposit on an apartment of my own.
• This Year: The five open credit cards that I have are maxed out. I didn't go to summer school because I spent my savings on a vacation and other crap.

• Last Year: I have recently paid off all of my credit card debt. I am saving for summer tuition and a security deposit on an apartment of my own.
• This Year: Nothing's changed, although I do go out dancing with some girlfriends and plenty of flirting occurs.

• Last Year: I am behind in school work because I missed a week due to Nana's birthday. But I'm slowly catching up, and have an appointment with one of my professors next week to work on catching up.
• This Year: I never really got caught up that semester... I ended up with an A-, a B-, and a C+. Fall semester I had my second best GPA, at a full B average. I'm now in my second week of classes, and am slightly behind, but can easily catch up once I find the time to sleep.

• Last Year: I am overweight. I have been in a battle with my body since junior high. I really want to lighten the load, but there is little time in my current lifestyle to be diligent. While that is not an acceptable excuse, it is an honest reason for my lack of efforts. Plus chocolate tastes really really good, and my boss brings in goodies to work all the time.
• This Year: I'm still overweight, but I've lost about 20 pounds since last year, due to my best friend, phentermine. Thanks, Dr. Stewart!

• Last Year: Speaking of work, I just got a promotion to Team Lead. No more money, but more responsibility and challenges. I was getting bored as just a Senior Client Services Advisor, and was thinking about leaving. Now I might stay a while longer.
• This Year: Yeah, I lost team lead in November... I kinda got depressed, and stopped working there for a few weeks, and enough of my clients complained that it was taken away. But now I work at the Aurora Gun Club on the weekends, keeping the trap kids in line, and the old gunslingers happy. It's actually really kinda fun.

• Last Year: I was pulled aside today and told that I was acting rather bossy in my roll as leading one of the committees I sit on at work -- but I wasn't given specifics, so I'm not quite sure what that is all about.
• This Year: The nature of the committee has changed, and the new branch trainer is in charge. Thank God!

• Last Year: I am currently taking Corporations (the class I'm sitting in now), American Legal History, and International Commercial Law.
• This Year: I took International Trade Law, International Human Rights Law, Administrative Law, and Legal Profession in the fall. I am now taking Wills and Estates, Evidence, Trial Practice, and Human Rights Clinic.

• Last Year: I got a D+ in Constitutional Law last semester. I really don't have any explanation for this . . . this grade blindsided me. I will be retaking it in the fall. (Which means I somehow wasted $4000 + interest on tuition.)
• This Year: I will not be retaking this class, because I barely passed it, and because of that, I can't take it again.

• Last Year: I applied for but did not receive an internship with the US Dept of State. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet . . . I really wanted it, but many opportunities (such as my promotion) have opened up because I won't be spending the summer in Africa.
• This Year: I did not apply for an internship. But with the Human Rights Clinic, you are encouraged to partner up with a NGO, and go to that country for the summer, and work on developing your project. So I might go back to Kenya after all.

• Last Year: I am a Christian, but not a member of any church -- and I've stopped church shopping. In Santa Barbara, I found a church where I was home. I found one in Fresno, too. But I cannot find a church in which I feel the presence of the Holy Spirit. And I don't want to attend a church where I don't feel the presence of the Holy Spirit. I've become discouraged and complacent. . . and have lost any momentum in church shopping that I had previously generated.
• This Year: No change. But for the last year, I've been feeling a strong pull by God to convert to Catholicism. I haven't made any move to do so, because I partly feel that it's just me missing my Nana. We'll see how long this calling lasts.

• Last Year: I am a movie "whore." I own several hundred films on DVD including several television series. Additionally I subscribe to Blockbuster and Netflix.
• This Year: Nothing's changed.

• Last Year: I have given up Fast Food for Lent. By my definition, fast food includes any casual dining experience that allows for delivery, drive-thru, or purchasing of pre-made food. This includes but is not limited to McDonalds, Sonic, Wendy's, Taco Bell, KFC, Burger King, Chinese Take Out, Pizza. It excludes sandwich delis such as Quiznos, and Subway, and burrito delis, such as Qdoba and Chipolte. Which means no In-and-Out when I go to Cali on spring break next month.
• This Year: Lent begins next month, and I have not decided yet what I will be giving up. Maybe it will be sleep! =]

Last year I prioritized school, health and church on the areas that needed the most improvement. I have improved in school and health, but made zero progress in the church front. I've made lasting friendships at work, new friends at school, and connected with old friends on Facebook. I'm getting out more, actually living my life, instead of living it vicariously through the girls on Lipstick Jungle.

I've also figured out what I want to do with my life. I plan to pursue a career in International Development Law, hoping to bring knowledge and peace to east Africa.

The last few days I've been very depressed. An amalgamation of lack of sleep, Liz's boyfriend problems, Farrah getting the sack, the anniversary, over stressed at my one job, and bored at my other one job, I freaked out a little yesterday, scaring a lot of my really close friends by writing a poem which ended with how I wanted to kill myself. I HAVE NO PLANS TO KILL MYSELF. LET ME ASSURE YOU. I was just having a little panic attack. I'm sorry to those who I scared. I see now how inappropriate it was.

Well, that about sums everything up....

~~ The "Another year older" Wig.

P.S. Oh yeah, I'm smoking again. Shit!

I'm Drowning

i'm having a crisis of confidence
i'm a bad employee
a bad student
a bad daughter
a bad american
a bad sister
a bad friend
a bad human
i'm tired of feeling like a failure
and i just want it all to go away
i want to go somewhere quiet and dark and warm, where no one can fine me
where i can cry and cry and cry and no one would judge me
where i can fall apart, and put myself back together in my own time, in my own way
without the world's expectations shaping my decisions
but none of that can happen
i'm spinning too many plates, and they are starting to wobble
wobbling leads to falling,
falling leads to shattering,
shattering leads to a big bloody mess.
i really just want to kill myself
but that is the coward's way out
and i refuse to be a coward

UC Men's Octet - Lion King Medley

Freaking Funny!

UC Men's Octet - Bohemian Rhapsody

The funniest thing I've seen recently...

It's all my fault

No matter what happens, no matter who is really at fault, no matter what the cause, my dad always find a way to blame me. It's always my fault. No matter what. It's always my fault.

Take this evening for instance... I ask my sister out for a drink. She forgot her purse. I offered her my truck to drive to her house to grab her bag. 30 minutes later, she's no where to be found. Turns out she got pulled over because she didn't turn on the headlamps. My dad blames me because I should have driven her to her house to pick up her bag.

Fact one -- My sister forgot her id, not me.
Fact two -- My sister failed to turn on the headlamps, not me.
Fact three -- My sister didn't ask me to drive her to her house.
Fact four -- NONE OF IT WAS MY FAULT.

And yet, it's all my fault. As usual.

You know you're from Fresno, when...

You have to explain to friends from out of town what animal a "Tri-tip" comes from.
You think salsa goes on everything.
Drivers think a red light is just a suggestion.
Your out-of-town friends start to visit after October, but clear out before the end of April.
The best restaurants in town start with "El" or "Los."
You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.
People break out coats and uggs when the temperature drops below 70.
The pool can be warmer than you are.
You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.
You still don't know your way around downtown.
Anywhere "and 99" is too far away.
You drive just as fast on a sunny day in June as a foggy day in December.
You have to explain to someone about "G Street." (Those of you reading this in Denver, G Street = Colfax)
The whole town shuts down at 11:00.
You complain about how boring Fresno is, but still make fun of people from Sanger, Selma, Reedley, etc.
You never knew how you managed before River Park.
Someone from out-of-town talks about how foggy it is and tell them, "Just wait."
You know not to take Shaw at 8, 12, or 5.
You swear there was an orchard there last week, where now there are houses.
Running from the police consists of hiding in a vineyard.
You know what 4-H is.
Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
You have "foggy" school days instead of Snow Days.
You classify people by which highschool they go to.
You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.
You have Asthma.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. (oh so true)
You can say 115 degrees without fainting.
It's a good day when the air quality is only Moderately Severe.
You can go cow tipping in more than one location.
A "night" on the town takes only 20 minutes.
To put fresno on the map, you mention all the famous people from here: kevin federline, marcus wesson and amber frey.
when the only thing to do if youre under 21 is to go to the fucking hookah bar
After moving away, takes a full year before you stop using "the club"...
the "family business" just might be a backyard meth lab.
You know your from fresno when the overpasses are the only hills in town.
You wear gloves when driving in the summer... so you don't burn your hands!
you refer to the bridge that connects 41 south to 180 east as "the curve of death."
You know what Hmong means
There are 7 streets, in different parts of town, with the same name (Alluvial?!)
You Know You're From Fresno When The FFA Makes The Front Page.
You know the best bagel place ever is Fresno Bagel and the best sandwich place is Geno's.
You still call CSU Fresno Fresno State