So I know that I'm supposed to be this modern woman of the world who doesn't need a man. We've got equal pay, microwave meals, housekeeping services and vibrators to do everything that we used to need men to provide for us. But we still need love, don't we?
For the past 6 years, I've been in love with a man who doesn't love me back. He moved in upstairs from me, and while we were only neighbors for a few short months, my world has never been the same. He's a funny, wickedly-smart guy who gets me. We make great friends. He's the best I've had in bed. And while I am convinced that I have found my soul-mate, my true love, my happy ever after, he on the other hand doesn't see it that way.
To this man, I'm a tried and true friend, a girl who can keep a secret, a girl who knows what to say, and won't shy away from scandalous announcements. However, I am not the love of his life. I'm a friend, with whom he occasionally gets drunk and has sex.
Over the years we've talked about this imbalance in our relationship. It makes him uncomfortable. He doesn't know what to say, other than that he's sorry that he doesn't love me back, that he cares for me, and hates to see me in this kind of pain. Well, after a visit to see him last summer, I came to the realization that this man is never, ever going to love me the way I need him to. And I stopped speaking to him. Full stop.
I now understand the classic literature that made little sense in high school. I know how Mr. Darcy pined for Elizabeth Bennett. I understand trying to do everything you can to tame the wild feeling inside you, only to fail again and again. I understand why Anna Karenina threw herself under that train. I understand why Romeo and Juliet died.
I miss him everyday. It hurts me not to talk to him every day. I've deleted his number from my phone so that I can't call him in a weak moment. There have been many weak moments. I imagine him knocking on my front door, admitting his lunacy in not loving me, and sweeping me into his arms. I imagine myself many years in the future, and running into him out of the blue, and being so angry that I can't speak. I imagine so many scenarios where I see him again, and I try to figure out what I want him to say, what I need to hear from him. I imagine us together at last. I imagine having a life with someone else and then seeing him again when it's too late.
I can't escape this feeling of overwhelming loss. There is a black hole where my heart used to be, and it is sucking more of soul away every day. I know that I cannot move on unless I come to peace with the fact that this man is not my soul mate. Not my happy ever after. But it is impossible for my head to convince the black hole of that fact. All the black hole wants is more: more pain, more tears, more torturous nights missing him.
I'm going insane.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Sometimes you need a good cry...
I'm kind of drowning here...
My relationship with my father is worsening every day. If you were to ask him, everything that's broken in the house is because I broke it. And everything that's wrong with his life is my fault. And I'm not smart enough, or pretty enough, or hard working enough for him to be proud of me.
There is a dichotomy in my heart. There's a part of me that needs to please him. That wants him to love me again, and to be proud of me, and to support me. To be on my side again. And the other side of my heart wants to tell him to go to hell and to leave me alone and to stay out of my life. I want to please him, and I want to be true to myself, and they are mutually exclusive. I can't do both, and trying to do both is killing me.
I'm too depressed to study for finals, which are upon me. I'm too depressed to get into the Christmas spirit. Christmas carols are depressing, instead of uplifting. I can't afford to buy gifts for my family... And I know that gift giving isn't the point, but I'm not looking forward to receiving gifts without being able to reciprocate. The thought of writing a Christmas letter is embarassing -- what am I supposed to say? Got fired from 2 jobs, and now I can't pay my bills?
The thought of facing another New Year's Eve alone is unbearable. I am so lonely it hurts. I miss the man I love. I miss him so much I can't breathe sometimes. And he doesn't love me back. That's the worst part. I'm in love with a man who lives a thousand miles away, and he doesn't love me back. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm tired of living without love. Why don't I have love? Why can't a good man fall in love with me?
It's all so overwhelming, that sometimes I wish it would all go away. I wish it were over. I wish I could be 17 again. If I were 17 again, I would make much different choices.
My relationship with my father is worsening every day. If you were to ask him, everything that's broken in the house is because I broke it. And everything that's wrong with his life is my fault. And I'm not smart enough, or pretty enough, or hard working enough for him to be proud of me.
There is a dichotomy in my heart. There's a part of me that needs to please him. That wants him to love me again, and to be proud of me, and to support me. To be on my side again. And the other side of my heart wants to tell him to go to hell and to leave me alone and to stay out of my life. I want to please him, and I want to be true to myself, and they are mutually exclusive. I can't do both, and trying to do both is killing me.
I'm too depressed to study for finals, which are upon me. I'm too depressed to get into the Christmas spirit. Christmas carols are depressing, instead of uplifting. I can't afford to buy gifts for my family... And I know that gift giving isn't the point, but I'm not looking forward to receiving gifts without being able to reciprocate. The thought of writing a Christmas letter is embarassing -- what am I supposed to say? Got fired from 2 jobs, and now I can't pay my bills?
The thought of facing another New Year's Eve alone is unbearable. I am so lonely it hurts. I miss the man I love. I miss him so much I can't breathe sometimes. And he doesn't love me back. That's the worst part. I'm in love with a man who lives a thousand miles away, and he doesn't love me back. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm tired of living without love. Why don't I have love? Why can't a good man fall in love with me?
It's all so overwhelming, that sometimes I wish it would all go away. I wish it were over. I wish I could be 17 again. If I were 17 again, I would make much different choices.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
A Mini Break Before School Starts
And here I am in Mountain View, CA, about to go into San Francisco for the day. I'm staying with my dear friend, Peterson, and we are going to have one hellava week!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Oh holy hot damn
I need a good old fashioned vent, and here it goes...
The people that I work for hate their employees. Theoretically, my company is ranked high by the people who rank things, on employee training, and best places for women to work. However, the management team in my particular office must have broken give a damns, because they really don't give a damn about their employees.
Example 1. Recently, a team member of ours died. Her funeral services were today. The right thing to do is to offer the afternoon off to whoever feels compelled to attend the services and pay their respects. She was a valued colleague. I didn't know her very well, but I liked her well enough, and I would have appreciated the opportunity to show my respects. However, only a small minority of people were told the details of the services, even after we were all promised the information would be distributed as soon as it was determined.
Example 2. Her supervisor was supposed to work the late shift today, and in order for her to attend the funeral, she needed another supervisor to cover her shift. She first asked her good friends, all of whom said no, because it would cut into their happy hour time. Only my supervisor stepped up to help, even though it would mean that he would be late to his second job. He is a stand up guy, and did the right thing to his own personal expence. Her so called friends refused to step up.
Example 3. There is a "friends and family" group, and if you aren't in it, you get handed a heavier hand, and stricter standards. I am not in it. Because of that, my internet usage is monitored more closely, my smoke breaks are timed, my reading material is restricted. Yet the members of the friends and family club are welcome to spend all fucking day on facebook and myspace, and can be away from their desks as many times as they feel necessary, and nobody in upper management lifts a finger to discipline them.
Granted, I have a couple of perks that no one else has -- I'm the only one who can write my own schedule and take four weeks off to go to Africa. As long as I can prove it's required for school, I get what I need. I also have a doctor's note which allows me FMLA status, and I can call in sick without punishment.
But are these unique perks really worth the infantilism that I get put through on a daily basis. My daily life hasn't been this structured since grade school. I am not treated like the mature, college educated, almost law school grad that I am. I am treated like a petulant child who got caught with their hand in the cookie jar one too many times.
I am just not cut out for customer service work -- placating to someone else's definition of "good" customer service. I am not cut out to pee only at certain times of the day. Thank God this job is not my end all career. Thank God I was made for more noble work than this. Because I'm at the end of my fucking rope.
~~ The professionally frustrated Wig
The people that I work for hate their employees. Theoretically, my company is ranked high by the people who rank things, on employee training, and best places for women to work. However, the management team in my particular office must have broken give a damns, because they really don't give a damn about their employees.
Example 1. Recently, a team member of ours died. Her funeral services were today. The right thing to do is to offer the afternoon off to whoever feels compelled to attend the services and pay their respects. She was a valued colleague. I didn't know her very well, but I liked her well enough, and I would have appreciated the opportunity to show my respects. However, only a small minority of people were told the details of the services, even after we were all promised the information would be distributed as soon as it was determined.
Example 2. Her supervisor was supposed to work the late shift today, and in order for her to attend the funeral, she needed another supervisor to cover her shift. She first asked her good friends, all of whom said no, because it would cut into their happy hour time. Only my supervisor stepped up to help, even though it would mean that he would be late to his second job. He is a stand up guy, and did the right thing to his own personal expence. Her so called friends refused to step up.
Example 3. There is a "friends and family" group, and if you aren't in it, you get handed a heavier hand, and stricter standards. I am not in it. Because of that, my internet usage is monitored more closely, my smoke breaks are timed, my reading material is restricted. Yet the members of the friends and family club are welcome to spend all fucking day on facebook and myspace, and can be away from their desks as many times as they feel necessary, and nobody in upper management lifts a finger to discipline them.
Granted, I have a couple of perks that no one else has -- I'm the only one who can write my own schedule and take four weeks off to go to Africa. As long as I can prove it's required for school, I get what I need. I also have a doctor's note which allows me FMLA status, and I can call in sick without punishment.
But are these unique perks really worth the infantilism that I get put through on a daily basis. My daily life hasn't been this structured since grade school. I am not treated like the mature, college educated, almost law school grad that I am. I am treated like a petulant child who got caught with their hand in the cookie jar one too many times.
I am just not cut out for customer service work -- placating to someone else's definition of "good" customer service. I am not cut out to pee only at certain times of the day. Thank God this job is not my end all career. Thank God I was made for more noble work than this. Because I'm at the end of my fucking rope.
~~ The professionally frustrated Wig
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
A crazily structured childhood leads to a far too rigid adulthood
I'm trying to find a new home for my cat, Otter, and a friend at work asked me about her name. So I explained that, growing up, my sister and I invented guidelines for naming our pets (our parents were very pro-pet, and we had a ton growing up). Cats were named after other animals (Jack-Rabbit, Sparrow, Monkey, Otter), dogs are named after Old Testament Prophets (Malachi, Obediah, Amos), birds are given fairy tale names (Cinderella, Hansel and Gretel), reptiles are given red-neck names (Buddy, Leroy, Rodeo, Bubba), and small caged mammals are named after foods (I had a Guinea pig names S'mores). These rules have pretty much stuck, through adulthood.
Well, at 8 in the morning, my friend at work was flabbergasted that kids would go through the trouble of making up rules for naming their pets. I started asking around, and it turns out that it is a fairly unheard of practice. And, being sleep-deprived and over-caffeinated, and way too stressed out to have any perspective at all, I have to ask myself, "Am I living my life with too much structure, unwilling to bend the rules, even the ones that I place on myself?" When I was a kid, it never occurred to me to break the rules. I've never done drugs, and the only law I break is the speed limit. I try to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good student, and a good person. But I also suffer from stress migraines when I don't live up to the level of excellence others have come to expect from me, because that the expectation that I've had for myself for such a long time. And when I call in sick, debilitated by said migraines, I feel betrayed that my body won't let me do what I know I should be doing.
Maybe I'm just too tired to attempt such a deep self-analysis... I need coffee.
Well, at 8 in the morning, my friend at work was flabbergasted that kids would go through the trouble of making up rules for naming their pets. I started asking around, and it turns out that it is a fairly unheard of practice. And, being sleep-deprived and over-caffeinated, and way too stressed out to have any perspective at all, I have to ask myself, "Am I living my life with too much structure, unwilling to bend the rules, even the ones that I place on myself?" When I was a kid, it never occurred to me to break the rules. I've never done drugs, and the only law I break is the speed limit. I try to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good student, and a good person. But I also suffer from stress migraines when I don't live up to the level of excellence others have come to expect from me, because that the expectation that I've had for myself for such a long time. And when I call in sick, debilitated by said migraines, I feel betrayed that my body won't let me do what I know I should be doing.
Maybe I'm just too tired to attempt such a deep self-analysis... I need coffee.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I can't watch movies anymore...
It's the day before Easter, and one of the network channels is airing The Ten Commandments like they do every year. And for the first time in a while, I decided to sit down and watch it. And you know what? I started to think that Moses made the wrong decision...
If Moses had decided not to explore the life of the slave, and to remain in the palace, he would probably have become pharoah, and from the throne of Egypt, he would have been able to do far more for the Hebrews than from amongst their ranks... As pharoah, he would have been able to free them, provide reparations, spread the wealth, etc...
But that would have been efforts of an Egyptian Pharoah, bestowing grace on Hebrew slaves. It would not have been the work of God... Without Moses' "Let My People Go" campaign, we would not have had the 10 plagues, or the 10 comandments. The Hebrews would have been in power in Egypt, and kingdom of Israel would have never come into being... David and Solomon would not have come, and from David's line came Jesus Christ. So, while in the short run, Moses' decision to stand with his family seems futile, in the short run, it laid the way for the forgiveness of all our sins.
So, really, law school has screwed up the way I watch movies, because the human rights advocate me always thinks of the fastest way to solve the problem... The fastest way to ease the suffering of the poor and forgotten... And since I'm not God, I don't have the power of all-knowing wisdom and I don't have the blueprints to the meaning of life.
The 'conflicted' Wig
If Moses had decided not to explore the life of the slave, and to remain in the palace, he would probably have become pharoah, and from the throne of Egypt, he would have been able to do far more for the Hebrews than from amongst their ranks... As pharoah, he would have been able to free them, provide reparations, spread the wealth, etc...
But that would have been efforts of an Egyptian Pharoah, bestowing grace on Hebrew slaves. It would not have been the work of God... Without Moses' "Let My People Go" campaign, we would not have had the 10 plagues, or the 10 comandments. The Hebrews would have been in power in Egypt, and kingdom of Israel would have never come into being... David and Solomon would not have come, and from David's line came Jesus Christ. So, while in the short run, Moses' decision to stand with his family seems futile, in the short run, it laid the way for the forgiveness of all our sins.
So, really, law school has screwed up the way I watch movies, because the human rights advocate me always thinks of the fastest way to solve the problem... The fastest way to ease the suffering of the poor and forgotten... And since I'm not God, I don't have the power of all-knowing wisdom and I don't have the blueprints to the meaning of life.
The 'conflicted' Wig
Monday, April 6, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Migraine Pain
Ouch! These need to stop!!!!! I hate them I hate them I hate them....
~~ The Wig, tortured by her own brain
~~ The Wig, tortured by her own brain
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Oh Holy Hell
So the way that I was going to be able to afford this trip and pay for law school and pay my monthly expenses, all at the same time was that I had two jobs. Not so much anymore. You see, I was fired from my weekend job (which, I suppose, is better than being fired from my full-time job). However, my paychecks from my weekend job were being matched, penny for penny, by my father, and all going to pay my tuition. Therefore, my paychecks from my full time job could be used for things like gasoline and plane tickets to Nairobi. Now, my paychecks from my full time job need to go to pay tuition, and I no longer get matching funds from my father, which means that there is a high probability that I will not be able to afford this trip.
This is going to add more fuel to my father's list of reasons why I shouldn't go to Africa.
Dammit! Why did I have to pick this year to give up smoking for Lent? Cuz, right now would be a really good time for a cigarrette.
The slightly less employed Wig
This is going to add more fuel to my father's list of reasons why I shouldn't go to Africa.
Dammit! Why did I have to pick this year to give up smoking for Lent? Cuz, right now would be a really good time for a cigarrette.
The slightly less employed Wig
Saturday, March 14, 2009
These dreams will be the death of me
For the last several weeks, every sleeping dream that I have had has contained in it, in some capacity, my ex fiance, Mathew Clayton. Sometimes we're back together, sometimes we're just friends, sometimes we're business acquitaintences. (If it is an afternoon nap, it gets a little R rated, but just the naps, which is also wierd.) The context isn't what is important. What is important is the fact that he is there. Does anyone do dream analysis? Can you tell me what my brain is trying to tell me? Because I swear if I have one more, I'm going to get drunk and call him, begging him to leave my dream life alone.
The sleep-deprived Wig
The sleep-deprived Wig
Thursday, February 26, 2009
A Barenaked Goodbye
A MESSAGE FROM BARENAKED LADIES
By mutual agreement, Steven Page will be parting company with the remaining members of Barenaked Ladies. Jim Creeggan, Kevin Hearn, Ed Robertson, and Tyler Stewart will continue recording and touring together as Barenaked Ladies. Steven Page will pursue solo projects including theatrical opportunities while the band enters the studio in April 2009, and hits the road in the fall. Page says "These guys are my brothers. We've grown up together over the past twenty years. I love them and wish them all the best in the future." The band also wish Steven well in all of his endeavors. Ed Robertson says: "It's the start of a new chapter for all of us. Here's to the future!" Everyone is looking forward to making new music and thanks their fans for their support.
Bye, Steven. I'll miss your contributions to the band!
~~ The Wig,
By mutual agreement, Steven Page will be parting company with the remaining members of Barenaked Ladies. Jim Creeggan, Kevin Hearn, Ed Robertson, and Tyler Stewart will continue recording and touring together as Barenaked Ladies. Steven Page will pursue solo projects including theatrical opportunities while the band enters the studio in April 2009, and hits the road in the fall. Page says "These guys are my brothers. We've grown up together over the past twenty years. I love them and wish them all the best in the future." The band also wish Steven well in all of his endeavors. Ed Robertson says: "It's the start of a new chapter for all of us. Here's to the future!" Everyone is looking forward to making new music and thanks their fans for their support.
Bye, Steven. I'll miss your contributions to the band!
~~ The Wig,
Monday, February 23, 2009
Please Stop Talking
just shut up
you’re being a jerk
i don’t care if you think my trip is a waste of time
it’s not
i don’t care if you think that i need to focus on finishing school and graduating and finding a six-figure job so i can pay off my loans
i will graduate, find a job and pay off my loans
going to africa is the next step in the direction I want my career to go.
i want to fix the world
god is calling me to use my gifts to fight for the weak and speak for the voiceless
i can’t not try
just shut up
stop asking me to sell out
i won’t do it
i am going to find a job that let me explore my passion, use my gifts, try to save the world, and pay off my loans in the process
but you have no faith in my ability to do that
you spend your days berating me
telling me how bad my decisions are
instead, you could use all this negative energy, turn it around, and help me figure out a way to do what i want to do and pay off my loans
for once in your life dad
give me the benefit of the doubt
be on my side
encourage me
or just shut the hell up
you’re being a jerk
i don’t care if you think my trip is a waste of time
it’s not
i don’t care if you think that i need to focus on finishing school and graduating and finding a six-figure job so i can pay off my loans
i will graduate, find a job and pay off my loans
going to africa is the next step in the direction I want my career to go.
i want to fix the world
god is calling me to use my gifts to fight for the weak and speak for the voiceless
i can’t not try
just shut up
stop asking me to sell out
i won’t do it
i am going to find a job that let me explore my passion, use my gifts, try to save the world, and pay off my loans in the process
but you have no faith in my ability to do that
you spend your days berating me
telling me how bad my decisions are
instead, you could use all this negative energy, turn it around, and help me figure out a way to do what i want to do and pay off my loans
for once in your life dad
give me the benefit of the doubt
be on my side
encourage me
or just shut the hell up
Monday, February 16, 2009
My Dead Husband's Land
I consider myself a post-feminist. A woman born into a culture where there is an irrebuttable presumption that I am equal to all men, and that we have the same legal rights.
As part of my Human Rights Clinic work, and my internship with the 10/10 Project (www.the1010project.org) I'm discovering the stark reality that my reality is the exception, not the rule... And while the women in Kenya are being forced off their land after their husbands die, this woman is fighting for her rights. This woman is my hero. This woman is who I am working so hard for. This woman is my tree.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
Happy People Just Don't Kill Their Husbands
So I was sitting in the hallway at school tonight, trying to catch up on all the podcasts I haven't listened to yet (over 1500, YIKES), and my friend Dana comes up and we start chatting... She asks me about the paper I submitted to the Sutton Competition, we talked about the 30 pages brief she wrote for her Intellectual Property Moot, and then I mentioned that I just came from the pool... I've decided that I'm going to use my 2 hour break between Wills and Estates and Evidence to walk over to the gym, and get some laps in at the pool. (The Perfect Pool -- perfect water temperature, not overly chlorinated, beautiful artwork on the walls) And as I was waxing on about the perfection of this pool, and the blemish that there was children's swim team practice, and only one lap lane open, which was being shared by 6 people at one point, she said something really interesting:
Swimming is good for you. You look happy.
And that reminds me of Elle Woods in Legally Blonde, when she starts as an intern for her crim prof and that she knows the defendant. She says -- Exercising gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. And happy people just don't go around killing their husbands. In Sorority Math, the defendant was innocent. And it turned out to be true.
Well, swimming does make me happy. Twenty minutes in the pool, and I feel like I did a two hour yoga class, followed by a two hour massage, followed by a happy ending... The pool is the only place where I can be calm and quiet. Running pisses me off. Swimming mellows me out.
Swimming is good for me. It makes me happy.
Swimming is good for you. You look happy.
And that reminds me of Elle Woods in Legally Blonde, when she starts as an intern for her crim prof and that she knows the defendant. She says -- Exercising gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. And happy people just don't go around killing their husbands. In Sorority Math, the defendant was innocent. And it turned out to be true.
Well, swimming does make me happy. Twenty minutes in the pool, and I feel like I did a two hour yoga class, followed by a two hour massage, followed by a happy ending... The pool is the only place where I can be calm and quiet. Running pisses me off. Swimming mellows me out.
Swimming is good for me. It makes me happy.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Checking in with Nana
Well, it was a year ago today, that my Nana died in a hospital room surrounded by her children and her grandchildren. Two weeks later I began this blog, to hold myself accountable to her. So let's check in...
- Last Year: I live at home with my parents, while working full time and attending law school at night. I pay rent of sorts, and keep to myself and try to not to be a burden to my family.
- This Year: I live a home. I now have two jobs, and work about 70 hours a week while taking an overload semester. Dad has lifted my rent requirement as long as I'm working both jobs. I still keep to myself, and try not to be a burden...
- Last Year: I have recently paid off all of my credit card debt. I am saving for summer tuition and a security deposit on an apartment of my own.
- This Year: The five open credit cards that I have are maxed out. I didn't go to summer school because I spent my savings on a vacation and other crap.
- Last Year: I have recently paid off all of my credit card debt. I am saving for summer tuition and a security deposit on an apartment of my own.
- This Year: Nothing's changed, although I do go out dancing with some girlfriends and plenty of flirting occurs.
- Last Year: I am behind in school work because I missed a week due to Nana's birthday. But I'm slowly catching up, and have an appointment with one of my professors next week to work on catching up.
- This Year: I never really got caught up that semester... I ended up with an A-, a B-, and a C+. Fall semester I had my second best GPA, at a full B average. I'm now in my second week of classes, and am slightly behind, but can easily catch up once I find the time to sleep.
- Last Year: I am overweight. I have been in a battle with my body since junior high. I really want to lighten the load, but there is little time in my current lifestyle to be diligent. While that is not an acceptable excuse, it is an honest reason for my lack of efforts. Plus chocolate tastes really really good, and my boss brings in goodies to work all the time.
- This Year: I'm still overweight, but I've lost about 20 pounds since last year, due to my best friend, phentermine. Thanks, Dr. Stewart!
- Last Year: Speaking of work, I just got a promotion to Team Lead. No more money, but more responsibility and challenges. I was getting bored as just a Senior Client Services Advisor, and was thinking about leaving. Now I might stay a while longer.
- This Year: Yeah, I lost team lead in November... I kinda got depressed, and stopped working there for a few weeks, and enough of my clients complained that it was taken away. But now I work at the Aurora Gun Club on the weekends, keeping the trap kids in line, and the old gunslingers happy. It's actually really kinda fun.
- Last Year: I was pulled aside today and told that I was acting rather bossy in my roll as leading one of the committees I sit on at work -- but I wasn't given specifics, so I'm not quite sure what that is all about.
- This Year: The nature of the committee has changed, and the new branch trainer is in charge. Thank God!
- Last Year: I am currently taking Corporations (the class I'm sitting in now), American Legal History, and International Commercial Law.
- This Year: I took International Trade Law, International Human Rights Law, Administrative Law, and Legal Profession in the fall. I am now taking Wills and Estates, Evidence, Trial Practice, and Human Rights Clinic.
- Last Year: I got a D+ in Constitutional Law last semester. I really don't have any explanation for this . . . this grade blindsided me. I will be retaking it in the fall. (Which means I somehow wasted $4000 + interest on tuition.)
- This Year: I will not be retaking this class, because I barely passed it, and because of that, I can't take it again.
- Last Year: I applied for but did not receive an internship with the US Dept of State. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet . . . I really wanted it, but many opportunities (such as my promotion) have opened up because I won't be spending the summer in Africa.
- This Year: I did not apply for an internship. But with the Human Rights Clinic, you are encouraged to partner up with a NGO, and go to that country for the summer, and work on developing your project. So I might go back to Kenya after all.
- Last Year: I am a Christian, but not a member of any church -- and I've stopped church shopping. In Santa Barbara, I found a church where I was home. I found one in Fresno, too. But I cannot find a church in which I feel the presence of the Holy Spirit. And I don't want to attend a church where I don't feel the presence of the Holy Spirit. I've become discouraged and complacent. . . and have lost any momentum in church shopping that I had previously generated.
- This Year: No change. But for the last year, I've been feeling a strong pull by God to convert to Catholicism. I haven't made any move to do so, because I partly feel that it's just me missing my Nana. We'll see how long this calling lasts.
- Last Year: I am a movie "whore." I own several hundred films on DVD including several television series. Additionally I subscribe to Blockbuster and Netflix.
- This Year: Nothing's changed.
- Last Year: I have given up Fast Food for Lent. By my definition, fast food includes any casual dining experience that allows for delivery, drive-thru, or purchasing of pre-made food. This includes but is not limited to McDonalds, Sonic, Wendy's, Taco Bell, KFC, Burger King, Chinese Take Out, Pizza. It excludes sandwich delis such as Quiznos, and Subway, and burrito delis, such as Qdoba and Chipolte. Which means no In-and-Out when I go to Cali on spring break next month.
- This Year: Lent begins next month, and I have not decided yet what I will be giving up. Maybe it will be sleep! =]
Last year I prioritized school, health and church on the areas that needed the most improvement. I have improved in school and health, but made zero progress in the church front. I've made lasting friendships at work, new friends at school, and connected with old friends on Facebook. I'm getting out more, actually living my life, instead of living it vicariously through the girls on Lipstick Jungle.
I've also figured out what I want to do with my life. I plan to pursue a career in International Development Law, hoping to bring knowledge and peace to east Africa.
The last few days I've been very depressed. An amalgamation of lack of sleep, Liz's boyfriend problems, Farrah getting the sack, the anniversary, over stressed at my one job, and bored at my other one job, I freaked out a little yesterday, scaring a lot of my really close friends by writing a poem which ended with how I wanted to kill myself. I HAVE NO PLANS TO KILL MYSELF. LET ME ASSURE YOU. I was just having a little panic attack. I'm sorry to those who I scared. I see now how inappropriate it was.
Well, that about sums everything up....
~~ The "Another year older" Wig.
P.S. Oh yeah, I'm smoking again. Shit!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
I'm Drowning
i'm having a crisis of confidence
i'm a bad employee
a bad student
a bad daughter
a bad american
a bad sister
a bad friend
a bad human
i'm tired of feeling like a failure
and i just want it all to go away
i want to go somewhere quiet and dark and warm, where no one can fine me
where i can cry and cry and cry and no one would judge me
where i can fall apart, and put myself back together in my own time, in my own way
without the world's expectations shaping my decisions
but none of that can happen
i'm spinning too many plates, and they are starting to wobble
wobbling leads to falling,
falling leads to shattering,
shattering leads to a big bloody mess.
i really just want to kill myself
but that is the coward's way out
and i refuse to be a coward
i'm a bad employee
a bad student
a bad daughter
a bad american
a bad sister
a bad friend
a bad human
i'm tired of feeling like a failure
and i just want it all to go away
i want to go somewhere quiet and dark and warm, where no one can fine me
where i can cry and cry and cry and no one would judge me
where i can fall apart, and put myself back together in my own time, in my own way
without the world's expectations shaping my decisions
but none of that can happen
i'm spinning too many plates, and they are starting to wobble
wobbling leads to falling,
falling leads to shattering,
shattering leads to a big bloody mess.
i really just want to kill myself
but that is the coward's way out
and i refuse to be a coward
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
It's all my fault
No matter what happens, no matter who is really at fault, no matter what the cause, my dad always find a way to blame me. It's always my fault. No matter what. It's always my fault.
Take this evening for instance... I ask my sister out for a drink. She forgot her purse. I offered her my truck to drive to her house to grab her bag. 30 minutes later, she's no where to be found. Turns out she got pulled over because she didn't turn on the headlamps. My dad blames me because I should have driven her to her house to pick up her bag.
Fact one -- My sister forgot her id, not me.
Fact two -- My sister failed to turn on the headlamps, not me.
Fact three -- My sister didn't ask me to drive her to her house.
Fact four -- NONE OF IT WAS MY FAULT.
And yet, it's all my fault. As usual.
Take this evening for instance... I ask my sister out for a drink. She forgot her purse. I offered her my truck to drive to her house to grab her bag. 30 minutes later, she's no where to be found. Turns out she got pulled over because she didn't turn on the headlamps. My dad blames me because I should have driven her to her house to pick up her bag.
Fact one -- My sister forgot her id, not me.
Fact two -- My sister failed to turn on the headlamps, not me.
Fact three -- My sister didn't ask me to drive her to her house.
Fact four -- NONE OF IT WAS MY FAULT.
And yet, it's all my fault. As usual.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
You know you're from Fresno, when...
You have to explain to friends from out of town what animal a "Tri-tip" comes from.
You think salsa goes on everything.
Drivers think a red light is just a suggestion.
Your out-of-town friends start to visit after October, but clear out before the end of April.
The best restaurants in town start with "El" or "Los."
You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.
People break out coats and uggs when the temperature drops below 70.
The pool can be warmer than you are.
You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.
You still don't know your way around downtown.
Anywhere "and 99" is too far away.
You drive just as fast on a sunny day in June as a foggy day in December.
You have to explain to someone about "G Street." (Those of you reading this in Denver, G Street = Colfax)
The whole town shuts down at 11:00.
You complain about how boring Fresno is, but still make fun of people from Sanger, Selma, Reedley, etc.
You never knew how you managed before River Park.
Someone from out-of-town talks about how foggy it is and tell them, "Just wait."
You know not to take Shaw at 8, 12, or 5.
You swear there was an orchard there last week, where now there are houses.
Running from the police consists of hiding in a vineyard.
You know what 4-H is.
Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
You have "foggy" school days instead of Snow Days.
You classify people by which highschool they go to.
You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.
You have Asthma.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. (oh so true)
You can say 115 degrees without fainting.
It's a good day when the air quality is only Moderately Severe.
You can go cow tipping in more than one location.
A "night" on the town takes only 20 minutes.
To put fresno on the map, you mention all the famous people from here: kevin federline, marcus wesson and amber frey.
when the only thing to do if youre under 21 is to go to the fucking hookah bar
After moving away, takes a full year before you stop using "the club"...
the "family business" just might be a backyard meth lab.
You know your from fresno when the overpasses are the only hills in town.
You wear gloves when driving in the summer... so you don't burn your hands!
you refer to the bridge that connects 41 south to 180 east as "the curve of death."
You know what Hmong means
There are 7 streets, in different parts of town, with the same name (Alluvial?!)
You Know You're From Fresno When The FFA Makes The Front Page.
You know the best bagel place ever is Fresno Bagel and the best sandwich place is Geno's.
You still call CSU Fresno Fresno State
You think salsa goes on everything.
Drivers think a red light is just a suggestion.
Your out-of-town friends start to visit after October, but clear out before the end of April.
The best restaurants in town start with "El" or "Los."
You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.
People break out coats and uggs when the temperature drops below 70.
The pool can be warmer than you are.
You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.
You still don't know your way around downtown.
Anywhere "and 99" is too far away.
You drive just as fast on a sunny day in June as a foggy day in December.
You have to explain to someone about "G Street." (Those of you reading this in Denver, G Street = Colfax)
The whole town shuts down at 11:00.
You complain about how boring Fresno is, but still make fun of people from Sanger, Selma, Reedley, etc.
You never knew how you managed before River Park.
Someone from out-of-town talks about how foggy it is and tell them, "Just wait."
You know not to take Shaw at 8, 12, or 5.
You swear there was an orchard there last week, where now there are houses.
Running from the police consists of hiding in a vineyard.
You know what 4-H is.
Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
You have "foggy" school days instead of Snow Days.
You classify people by which highschool they go to.
You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.
You have Asthma.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. (oh so true)
You can say 115 degrees without fainting.
It's a good day when the air quality is only Moderately Severe.
You can go cow tipping in more than one location.
A "night" on the town takes only 20 minutes.
To put fresno on the map, you mention all the famous people from here: kevin federline, marcus wesson and amber frey.
when the only thing to do if youre under 21 is to go to the fucking hookah bar
After moving away, takes a full year before you stop using "the club"...
the "family business" just might be a backyard meth lab.
You know your from fresno when the overpasses are the only hills in town.
You wear gloves when driving in the summer... so you don't burn your hands!
you refer to the bridge that connects 41 south to 180 east as "the curve of death."
You know what Hmong means
There are 7 streets, in different parts of town, with the same name (Alluvial?!)
You Know You're From Fresno When The FFA Makes The Front Page.
You know the best bagel place ever is Fresno Bagel and the best sandwich place is Geno's.
You still call CSU Fresno Fresno State
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