Unrequited love sucks!

So I know that I'm supposed to be this modern woman of the world who doesn't need a man. We've got equal pay, microwave meals, housekeeping services and vibrators to do everything that we used to need men to provide for us. But we still need love, don't we?

For the past 6 years, I've been in love with a man who doesn't love me back. He moved in upstairs from me, and while we were only neighbors for a few short months, my world has never been the same. He's a funny, wickedly-smart guy who gets me. We make great friends. He's the best I've had in bed. And while I am convinced that I have found my soul-mate, my true love, my happy ever after, he on the other hand doesn't see it that way.

To this man, I'm a tried and true friend, a girl who can keep a secret, a girl who knows what to say, and won't shy away from scandalous announcements. However, I am not the love of his life. I'm a friend, with whom he occasionally gets drunk and has sex.

Over the years we've talked about this imbalance in our relationship. It makes him uncomfortable. He doesn't know what to say, other than that he's sorry that he doesn't love me back, that he cares for me, and hates to see me in this kind of pain. Well, after a visit to see him last summer, I came to the realization that this man is never, ever going to love me the way I need him to. And I stopped speaking to him. Full stop.

I now understand the classic literature that made little sense in high school. I know how Mr. Darcy pined for Elizabeth Bennett. I understand trying to do everything you can to tame the wild feeling inside you, only to fail again and again. I understand why Anna Karenina threw herself under that train. I understand why Romeo and Juliet died.

I miss him everyday. It hurts me not to talk to him every day. I've deleted his number from my phone so that I can't call him in a weak moment. There have been many weak moments. I imagine him knocking on my front door, admitting his lunacy in not loving me, and sweeping me into his arms. I imagine myself many years in the future, and running into him out of the blue, and being so angry that I can't speak. I imagine so many scenarios where I see him again, and I try to figure out what I want him to say, what I need to hear from him. I imagine us together at last. I imagine having a life with someone else and then seeing him again when it's too late.

I can't escape this feeling of overwhelming loss. There is a black hole where my heart used to be, and it is sucking more of soul away every day. I know that I cannot move on unless I come to peace with the fact that this man is not my soul mate. Not my happy ever after. But it is impossible for my head to convince the black hole of that fact. All the black hole wants is more: more pain, more tears, more torturous nights missing him.

I'm going insane.