I'm Drowning

i'm having a crisis of confidence
i'm a bad employee
a bad student
a bad daughter
a bad american
a bad sister
a bad friend
a bad human
i'm tired of feeling like a failure
and i just want it all to go away
i want to go somewhere quiet and dark and warm, where no one can fine me
where i can cry and cry and cry and no one would judge me
where i can fall apart, and put myself back together in my own time, in my own way
without the world's expectations shaping my decisions
but none of that can happen
i'm spinning too many plates, and they are starting to wobble
wobbling leads to falling,
falling leads to shattering,
shattering leads to a big bloody mess.
i really just want to kill myself
but that is the coward's way out
and i refuse to be a coward