So I know that I'm supposed to be this modern woman of the world who doesn't need a man. We've got equal pay, microwave meals, housekeeping services and vibrators to do everything that we used to need men to provide for us. But we still need love, don't we?
For the past 6 years, I've been in love with a man who doesn't love me back. He moved in upstairs from me, and while we were only neighbors for a few short months, my world has never been the same. He's a funny, wickedly-smart guy who gets me. We make great friends. He's the best I've had in bed. And while I am convinced that I have found my soul-mate, my true love, my happy ever after, he on the other hand doesn't see it that way.
To this man, I'm a tried and true friend, a girl who can keep a secret, a girl who knows what to say, and won't shy away from scandalous announcements. However, I am not the love of his life. I'm a friend, with whom he occasionally gets drunk and has sex.
Over the years we've talked about this imbalance in our relationship. It makes him uncomfortable. He doesn't know what to say, other than that he's sorry that he doesn't love me back, that he cares for me, and hates to see me in this kind of pain. Well, after a visit to see him last summer, I came to the realization that this man is never, ever going to love me the way I need him to. And I stopped speaking to him. Full stop.
I now understand the classic literature that made little sense in high school. I know how Mr. Darcy pined for Elizabeth Bennett. I understand trying to do everything you can to tame the wild feeling inside you, only to fail again and again. I understand why Anna Karenina threw herself under that train. I understand why Romeo and Juliet died.
I miss him everyday. It hurts me not to talk to him every day. I've deleted his number from my phone so that I can't call him in a weak moment. There have been many weak moments. I imagine him knocking on my front door, admitting his lunacy in not loving me, and sweeping me into his arms. I imagine myself many years in the future, and running into him out of the blue, and being so angry that I can't speak. I imagine so many scenarios where I see him again, and I try to figure out what I want him to say, what I need to hear from him. I imagine us together at last. I imagine having a life with someone else and then seeing him again when it's too late.
I can't escape this feeling of overwhelming loss. There is a black hole where my heart used to be, and it is sucking more of soul away every day. I know that I cannot move on unless I come to peace with the fact that this man is not my soul mate. Not my happy ever after. But it is impossible for my head to convince the black hole of that fact. All the black hole wants is more: more pain, more tears, more torturous nights missing him.
I'm going insane.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Sometimes you need a good cry...
I'm kind of drowning here...
My relationship with my father is worsening every day. If you were to ask him, everything that's broken in the house is because I broke it. And everything that's wrong with his life is my fault. And I'm not smart enough, or pretty enough, or hard working enough for him to be proud of me.
There is a dichotomy in my heart. There's a part of me that needs to please him. That wants him to love me again, and to be proud of me, and to support me. To be on my side again. And the other side of my heart wants to tell him to go to hell and to leave me alone and to stay out of my life. I want to please him, and I want to be true to myself, and they are mutually exclusive. I can't do both, and trying to do both is killing me.
I'm too depressed to study for finals, which are upon me. I'm too depressed to get into the Christmas spirit. Christmas carols are depressing, instead of uplifting. I can't afford to buy gifts for my family... And I know that gift giving isn't the point, but I'm not looking forward to receiving gifts without being able to reciprocate. The thought of writing a Christmas letter is embarassing -- what am I supposed to say? Got fired from 2 jobs, and now I can't pay my bills?
The thought of facing another New Year's Eve alone is unbearable. I am so lonely it hurts. I miss the man I love. I miss him so much I can't breathe sometimes. And he doesn't love me back. That's the worst part. I'm in love with a man who lives a thousand miles away, and he doesn't love me back. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm tired of living without love. Why don't I have love? Why can't a good man fall in love with me?
It's all so overwhelming, that sometimes I wish it would all go away. I wish it were over. I wish I could be 17 again. If I were 17 again, I would make much different choices.
My relationship with my father is worsening every day. If you were to ask him, everything that's broken in the house is because I broke it. And everything that's wrong with his life is my fault. And I'm not smart enough, or pretty enough, or hard working enough for him to be proud of me.
There is a dichotomy in my heart. There's a part of me that needs to please him. That wants him to love me again, and to be proud of me, and to support me. To be on my side again. And the other side of my heart wants to tell him to go to hell and to leave me alone and to stay out of my life. I want to please him, and I want to be true to myself, and they are mutually exclusive. I can't do both, and trying to do both is killing me.
I'm too depressed to study for finals, which are upon me. I'm too depressed to get into the Christmas spirit. Christmas carols are depressing, instead of uplifting. I can't afford to buy gifts for my family... And I know that gift giving isn't the point, but I'm not looking forward to receiving gifts without being able to reciprocate. The thought of writing a Christmas letter is embarassing -- what am I supposed to say? Got fired from 2 jobs, and now I can't pay my bills?
The thought of facing another New Year's Eve alone is unbearable. I am so lonely it hurts. I miss the man I love. I miss him so much I can't breathe sometimes. And he doesn't love me back. That's the worst part. I'm in love with a man who lives a thousand miles away, and he doesn't love me back. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm tired of living without love. Why don't I have love? Why can't a good man fall in love with me?
It's all so overwhelming, that sometimes I wish it would all go away. I wish it were over. I wish I could be 17 again. If I were 17 again, I would make much different choices.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
A Mini Break Before School Starts
And here I am in Mountain View, CA, about to go into San Francisco for the day. I'm staying with my dear friend, Peterson, and we are going to have one hellava week!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Oh holy hot damn
I need a good old fashioned vent, and here it goes...
The people that I work for hate their employees. Theoretically, my company is ranked high by the people who rank things, on employee training, and best places for women to work. However, the management team in my particular office must have broken give a damns, because they really don't give a damn about their employees.
Example 1. Recently, a team member of ours died. Her funeral services were today. The right thing to do is to offer the afternoon off to whoever feels compelled to attend the services and pay their respects. She was a valued colleague. I didn't know her very well, but I liked her well enough, and I would have appreciated the opportunity to show my respects. However, only a small minority of people were told the details of the services, even after we were all promised the information would be distributed as soon as it was determined.
Example 2. Her supervisor was supposed to work the late shift today, and in order for her to attend the funeral, she needed another supervisor to cover her shift. She first asked her good friends, all of whom said no, because it would cut into their happy hour time. Only my supervisor stepped up to help, even though it would mean that he would be late to his second job. He is a stand up guy, and did the right thing to his own personal expence. Her so called friends refused to step up.
Example 3. There is a "friends and family" group, and if you aren't in it, you get handed a heavier hand, and stricter standards. I am not in it. Because of that, my internet usage is monitored more closely, my smoke breaks are timed, my reading material is restricted. Yet the members of the friends and family club are welcome to spend all fucking day on facebook and myspace, and can be away from their desks as many times as they feel necessary, and nobody in upper management lifts a finger to discipline them.
Granted, I have a couple of perks that no one else has -- I'm the only one who can write my own schedule and take four weeks off to go to Africa. As long as I can prove it's required for school, I get what I need. I also have a doctor's note which allows me FMLA status, and I can call in sick without punishment.
But are these unique perks really worth the infantilism that I get put through on a daily basis. My daily life hasn't been this structured since grade school. I am not treated like the mature, college educated, almost law school grad that I am. I am treated like a petulant child who got caught with their hand in the cookie jar one too many times.
I am just not cut out for customer service work -- placating to someone else's definition of "good" customer service. I am not cut out to pee only at certain times of the day. Thank God this job is not my end all career. Thank God I was made for more noble work than this. Because I'm at the end of my fucking rope.
~~ The professionally frustrated Wig
The people that I work for hate their employees. Theoretically, my company is ranked high by the people who rank things, on employee training, and best places for women to work. However, the management team in my particular office must have broken give a damns, because they really don't give a damn about their employees.
Example 1. Recently, a team member of ours died. Her funeral services were today. The right thing to do is to offer the afternoon off to whoever feels compelled to attend the services and pay their respects. She was a valued colleague. I didn't know her very well, but I liked her well enough, and I would have appreciated the opportunity to show my respects. However, only a small minority of people were told the details of the services, even after we were all promised the information would be distributed as soon as it was determined.
Example 2. Her supervisor was supposed to work the late shift today, and in order for her to attend the funeral, she needed another supervisor to cover her shift. She first asked her good friends, all of whom said no, because it would cut into their happy hour time. Only my supervisor stepped up to help, even though it would mean that he would be late to his second job. He is a stand up guy, and did the right thing to his own personal expence. Her so called friends refused to step up.
Example 3. There is a "friends and family" group, and if you aren't in it, you get handed a heavier hand, and stricter standards. I am not in it. Because of that, my internet usage is monitored more closely, my smoke breaks are timed, my reading material is restricted. Yet the members of the friends and family club are welcome to spend all fucking day on facebook and myspace, and can be away from their desks as many times as they feel necessary, and nobody in upper management lifts a finger to discipline them.
Granted, I have a couple of perks that no one else has -- I'm the only one who can write my own schedule and take four weeks off to go to Africa. As long as I can prove it's required for school, I get what I need. I also have a doctor's note which allows me FMLA status, and I can call in sick without punishment.
But are these unique perks really worth the infantilism that I get put through on a daily basis. My daily life hasn't been this structured since grade school. I am not treated like the mature, college educated, almost law school grad that I am. I am treated like a petulant child who got caught with their hand in the cookie jar one too many times.
I am just not cut out for customer service work -- placating to someone else's definition of "good" customer service. I am not cut out to pee only at certain times of the day. Thank God this job is not my end all career. Thank God I was made for more noble work than this. Because I'm at the end of my fucking rope.
~~ The professionally frustrated Wig
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
A crazily structured childhood leads to a far too rigid adulthood
I'm trying to find a new home for my cat, Otter, and a friend at work asked me about her name. So I explained that, growing up, my sister and I invented guidelines for naming our pets (our parents were very pro-pet, and we had a ton growing up). Cats were named after other animals (Jack-Rabbit, Sparrow, Monkey, Otter), dogs are named after Old Testament Prophets (Malachi, Obediah, Amos), birds are given fairy tale names (Cinderella, Hansel and Gretel), reptiles are given red-neck names (Buddy, Leroy, Rodeo, Bubba), and small caged mammals are named after foods (I had a Guinea pig names S'mores). These rules have pretty much stuck, through adulthood.
Well, at 8 in the morning, my friend at work was flabbergasted that kids would go through the trouble of making up rules for naming their pets. I started asking around, and it turns out that it is a fairly unheard of practice. And, being sleep-deprived and over-caffeinated, and way too stressed out to have any perspective at all, I have to ask myself, "Am I living my life with too much structure, unwilling to bend the rules, even the ones that I place on myself?" When I was a kid, it never occurred to me to break the rules. I've never done drugs, and the only law I break is the speed limit. I try to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good student, and a good person. But I also suffer from stress migraines when I don't live up to the level of excellence others have come to expect from me, because that the expectation that I've had for myself for such a long time. And when I call in sick, debilitated by said migraines, I feel betrayed that my body won't let me do what I know I should be doing.
Maybe I'm just too tired to attempt such a deep self-analysis... I need coffee.
Well, at 8 in the morning, my friend at work was flabbergasted that kids would go through the trouble of making up rules for naming their pets. I started asking around, and it turns out that it is a fairly unheard of practice. And, being sleep-deprived and over-caffeinated, and way too stressed out to have any perspective at all, I have to ask myself, "Am I living my life with too much structure, unwilling to bend the rules, even the ones that I place on myself?" When I was a kid, it never occurred to me to break the rules. I've never done drugs, and the only law I break is the speed limit. I try to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good student, and a good person. But I also suffer from stress migraines when I don't live up to the level of excellence others have come to expect from me, because that the expectation that I've had for myself for such a long time. And when I call in sick, debilitated by said migraines, I feel betrayed that my body won't let me do what I know I should be doing.
Maybe I'm just too tired to attempt such a deep self-analysis... I need coffee.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I can't watch movies anymore...
It's the day before Easter, and one of the network channels is airing The Ten Commandments like they do every year. And for the first time in a while, I decided to sit down and watch it. And you know what? I started to think that Moses made the wrong decision...
If Moses had decided not to explore the life of the slave, and to remain in the palace, he would probably have become pharoah, and from the throne of Egypt, he would have been able to do far more for the Hebrews than from amongst their ranks... As pharoah, he would have been able to free them, provide reparations, spread the wealth, etc...
But that would have been efforts of an Egyptian Pharoah, bestowing grace on Hebrew slaves. It would not have been the work of God... Without Moses' "Let My People Go" campaign, we would not have had the 10 plagues, or the 10 comandments. The Hebrews would have been in power in Egypt, and kingdom of Israel would have never come into being... David and Solomon would not have come, and from David's line came Jesus Christ. So, while in the short run, Moses' decision to stand with his family seems futile, in the short run, it laid the way for the forgiveness of all our sins.
So, really, law school has screwed up the way I watch movies, because the human rights advocate me always thinks of the fastest way to solve the problem... The fastest way to ease the suffering of the poor and forgotten... And since I'm not God, I don't have the power of all-knowing wisdom and I don't have the blueprints to the meaning of life.
The 'conflicted' Wig
If Moses had decided not to explore the life of the slave, and to remain in the palace, he would probably have become pharoah, and from the throne of Egypt, he would have been able to do far more for the Hebrews than from amongst their ranks... As pharoah, he would have been able to free them, provide reparations, spread the wealth, etc...
But that would have been efforts of an Egyptian Pharoah, bestowing grace on Hebrew slaves. It would not have been the work of God... Without Moses' "Let My People Go" campaign, we would not have had the 10 plagues, or the 10 comandments. The Hebrews would have been in power in Egypt, and kingdom of Israel would have never come into being... David and Solomon would not have come, and from David's line came Jesus Christ. So, while in the short run, Moses' decision to stand with his family seems futile, in the short run, it laid the way for the forgiveness of all our sins.
So, really, law school has screwed up the way I watch movies, because the human rights advocate me always thinks of the fastest way to solve the problem... The fastest way to ease the suffering of the poor and forgotten... And since I'm not God, I don't have the power of all-knowing wisdom and I don't have the blueprints to the meaning of life.
The 'conflicted' Wig
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